Bridget

Ok so the presidential campaign has been crazy thus far this year. It is good that so many people are passionate about their candidate, but have also been things that have gone to far. A friend of mine who works on the Obama campaign e-mailed this to me, and I though I would pass it along as well because if true (I don't know the original source, but I trust my friend) it is something that just chills me to the bone!
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The story is all over Progressive Talk Radio today about the McCain
campaign sending absentee ballot applications to registered democrats
or people that have donated to Obama's campaign. These ballots are
deliberately misleading and have postage paid return addresses that
are for an election clerk that is outside of your city or town. What
this will end up doing is either having your vote not counted, or if
you return one of these, they will cite you for election fraud, saying
that you already voted absentee.~~~~~~~~~These ballots are only being
sent out in 'purple states' and this is a big deal. This is called
voter caging, and is a huge problem.~~~~~~The McCain campaign is
stealing this election as we speak. Please get this information out to
as many people as you can, and tell anyone you know who has received
one of these ballots that they need to contact their city election
clerk or the supervisor of elections immediately.~~~~~Also call the
local media and let them know what is going on.~~~~~~ The main stream
media is never going to cover this so we have to depend on our ground
campaign to get the word out to our voters.~~~~~~~ Howie ~~~~~~~~~~
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I know they're not that many people who read my blog, but for those of you who do please pass this along to other people you know. I am a strong Obama supporter, I really like his vision for the future. Plus he is a long-term planner, and has a healthy dose of common sense, something you don't often find in politicians anymore. McCain continues to prove, over and over again, that he will go to any lengths to get elected, which really scares me about how he will run this country. His actions are not in line with his rhetoric. His choosing Palin for VP is a prime example! he choose her because she is a women, plain and simple, and it's a slap in the face to everything women have worked for and achieved in the last 50 years or so. If he wanted to prove he was different than Bush, he should have choosen Liberman. If he wanted to solidify the Republican base, he should have choosen Romney, which also would have helped with his economic deficiencies. But instead he chose a women who wants to take away a majority of women's rights. And he won't even let the press talk to her.

Anyway, that is several things I have been railing against for the last several weeks. I know Jen agrees with, but I'd love to hear other opinions, even if you don't agree with me. I love a healthy discussion.

Okay, so I've heard rumblings of me being quiet again, so I thought I would catch everyone up on my life....

I think most everyone has heard by now (through Jen) that my mother has passed away. Right before Mother's Day actually. Things are slowing going back into a routine, they will never be quite normal again however. The numbness and over-whelming grief have worn off for now. Now it's just tiny random things that can set me off. Like seeing a clip from Meet Me in St. Louis, which was one of her fevorite movies. The sucky thing about this is I can't predict when it's going to happen.

I'm almost done with fellowship, in fact I have just 10 days left. I finished my last day on service on Monday, and now I'm on "research." Not that I will actually have time to research anything before the end of my fellowship. So really it's "tie up loose ends time." It's exciting and sad at the same time because I hate having to say goodbye to people. One of my patient's gave me a card today which got me all misty-eyed. But I will be leaving her and everyone else in good hands. But that's the sad part of this year, it's always filled with goodbyes as people move onto the next stage of their life. I have a goodbye party to go to tonight in fact.

On the good new front, I will have some time off, about 6 weeks before starting my new job. Which I will put to good use moving and studying for boards. I finally got my contract in hand today, and sent a copy off to my mortgage guy, so all the paperwork is done, and everything is on track for my new house! And the job is in KC, so I will be back with the Jewell pack, and won't have to leave them for school. So all the pieces finally seem to be coming together. I'm really excited about having time off because I've been running around crazed for a while. And continued to work at a pretty fast past through all the craziness of last month.

So the last few weeks have been really bad for me. So I thought I would post to update everyone on what is going on. The first was a lession in not counting chickens before they hatch. My Tulsa job fell through secondary to an unexpected administration switch-a-roo at the college. As a result nothing is going to be signed off on for 30-45 days, including my contract. So I was advised to take another job. Fortunately, I have kept the KC people in the loop and they are still ready to make good on their offer. So again I am waiting for a contract, and I am loathe to make any official announcements until I have that in had after the Tulsa debocle. But, I think this will be a blessing in disguish. First it will be much easier to move to KC than Tulsa from where I am currently. Plus I will be around the Jewell pack again. And I won't have to say good-bye to everyone, which I was completely dreading. And in light of everything with my mom I don't think I would handle that well. I actually wasn't sure how to feel about Tulsa, but after I though about it, I did feel a weight being lifted off my chest. So, I am happy and excited at the thought of moving back to KC. Plus I didn't have to disappoint anyone (except my dad who wants me to move back to Tulsa). So while I won't be at my ideal job, I will have a much better social support system.

The other bad thing that happened was that my mom became really sick and I had to make an ermergency trip home. My sister called me at midnight last wednesday and told me to come home because they weren't sure my mom was going to make it through the day. Fortunately she did stabilize. She has been sick for a while now. She has a neurologic disorder called Fahr's disease, which involves excess calcium build-up in the brain. The result is a lot of problems with movement disorders and things. She has been slowly going downhill over the last serveral years. Recently she had an infection that put her in the hospital and has seemed to tip the edge into the final stages of the Fahr's disease, for which there is no treatment. (I have always hated neurology for that reason, most of the diseases you can't treat). And my opinion is that she had a stroke as well. But right now she is paralyzed and can't talk, but she is awake and responds to us so that we know she knows us. Her doctor and his nurse practitioner are idiots with no bedside manor, so I had to assert myself. But the rest of the staff at the nursing home she went to after the hospital have all been wonderful. We made some tough end-of-life decisions about her quality of care. She was doing better so I came back hom tuesday. Unfortunately, the reality is I am probably going to have to go back home for a funeral before the end of the month. So the family is obviously distressed, especially my father who lost his mother, my grandmother, back in November. We are hanging in there though, and now will just have to wait and see. As a further side effect, it has kicked up my panic over being single and childless another notch. We don't get enough time with our loved ones under the best of circumstances.

But I don't thank everyone for their support and prayers, that has been wonderful.

I managed to make it home for Christmas. After the struggle over the holiday schedule and everything else that has happened lately, I wasn't sure it would happen, but I caught my plane on friday after driving through the horrible early morning fog and made it home on Friday one very exhausted Gita. I was ready to drop over when we finally made it home. And pretty much sleep off and on all day. I feel better now, I just wish my father would stop hovvering and stop coming up with little things for me to do. And let me know what the heck the schedule is.

But it's Christmas Eve finally! The presents are all wrapped, the lights are up. I need to start baking the pies for tomarrow soon. And my father went out for last minute Christmas shopping for dinner tomarrow. But my Aunt will come over here this year on Christmas Eve so we can open all her presents and eat pizza. That will be a change (not the pizza which has become our tradition on Christmas Eve night) but my Aunt coming here. We normally go to my grandparents, and later my Aunt and grandmother's house on Christmas Eve, so that is a change we will feel acutely now that my grandmother is gone. But we will eat and open presents and go to midnight mass (I think, my father sometimes has his own plan that he fails to tell us). But I hope we go to midnight mass, it's just not quite Christmas without that.And then tomarrow we will wake up, open the presents here, and start cooking for the big meal. I may have to go to church again with my aunt who hurt her knee last week. How I'm going to cook and be in church at the same time I'm not sure. But anyway, I'm looking forward to all the Christmas cheer, and hope there will be no major fighting between me and my sisters this year. And of course there will be a Bronco game on tonight, so hopefully they play well. Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone!

So we have had our first official ice storm of the year! And they suck big time. Growing up in Denver, we had a lot of snow, but the raining down of ice is still a foreign concept I haven't gotten used to. At least snow had some traction. Right now my driveway is an ice-rink and any attempt to shovel it off just makes things worse. Couple that with Missouri's inablity to clear the roads effectively, even though they deal with it every year, and things can get messy. But the white does look pretty. I just wish the sun would come out. It's been gray for over a week now, and I think my seasonal affective disorder is starting to kick in.

Anyway, I am starting to get in the Christmas mood. I've done most of my Christmas shopping, I just have a few more people to buy for and the dogs, which will happen as soon as we are not predicted to get more ice. The Christmas decorations aren't up yet, but maybe this weekend since the roomie will be off. And next week I will get to go back to Denver. yikes, if I'm going to mail stuff home I should do it soon! My one complaint right now is the Christmas music. I love Christmas music, but the radio station I listen to has been playing Christmas songs 24/7 since Thanksgiving. So instead of helping the Christmas mood, it's burning me out on Christmas. Especially since it seems like they are just playing the different versions of the same 5 songs over and over and over and over again. If I hear "Winter Wonderland" one more time........ In response I've been listening to a lot of NPR as an antidote to my winter wonderland OD. I need to start listening to my own Christmas music. But part of me feels like we start the holiday cheer too early anymore, so instead of getting excited for Christmas about 2-3 weeks before and let the anticipation build, we start before Halloween is truly over and have 2 months of Christmas essentially. Which in theory sounds good, but by the time Christmas rolls around it's anticlimatic and we are ready to tear down the Christmas stuff before New Year's. And that is my soap box for the day.

But I am hoping to put on some Christmas music (different Christmas music) or a Christmas movie tonight and start wrapping the presents, which is one of my favorite parts about Christmas. And decorating the tree. I was thinking that this year I would really like a tree full of angel ornaments, so I should really start collecting those.

So today is kind of a weird day, in that we are not busy ... yet. And I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. The last week and a half has been a giant jumble.

Most of last week I was in Denver for my grandmother's funneral. BTW thanks to everyone for their condolences and prayers! Funnerals are always hard, but ours always turn into family reunions. We got to adding everyone up and realize that my father has 64 first cousins!! I think we are going to spend most of Crhistmas trying to fill in the genology. My great-aunt Katie is the only one left of my grandmother's 11 siblings now. But while I was home we got to looking through all our old pictures looking for good ones of my grandmother. it was sad but I enjoyed looking through them. We found one of her in her wedding dress and the wedding party picture from their wedding which was really neat. I also managed to find some pictures of the day I was born which I really enjoyed. The family is recovering from all the funeral hoopla now. Christmas this year will be bitter-sweat of course. And I think my birthday will be hard. My grandma's birthday is 3 days after mine, so this is the first year we won't be celebrating together.

So I started back to work on monday, and trying to get caught up on all the stuff I left hanging last tuesday with my sudden trip to Denver. Then the junior fellow calls in sick tuesday, which turned into a nightmare. I didn't get home until 7:00, and then was charting until 10:00. Yesterday was also super-busy. So I am jsut exhausted. But right now I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm caught up on most everything ... I think. Waiting to see if we get any more consults today, and trying to fill my time for the next couple hours before rounds. I should probably read, but I'm not sure my brain is focused enough for that. I should call some other people back, but my head has been spinning from everyone trying to get a piece of my time, that I'm just trying to lie low and fly under the radar for now.

The roomie's cousin has been staying with us this week so he doesn't have to drive 1.5 hrs to get home everyday. Tonight is his last night with us. Actually it's been kind of fun having him around, and normally I like entertaining when I'm not exhausted. But it's going to be nice to have the house back. I will stop now because I'm pretty sure I am rambling, and I'm nost sure how much of this actually makes sense.

I am very, very relieved today. Last week my grandmother fell at home. She managed to break a coupld of ribs and her collar bone, which there is not much you can do for that except pain meds and time. Anyway, last night my father called asking for my advise on weather they should let them do a bronchoscopy. (my grandmother tends to get delerious in the hospital and is not so good with the desicion making). The doctors were worried she was developing pneumonia. Anyway, I told them to do the procedure because I was more worried about why they wanted to do it. 92 year olds (almost 93) don't do well with pneumonia, and if she's has it, this could very well be it. I know, I've seen it, and had to have that talk with multiple familys. Plus, should her breathing fail, I will probably be looked at to make the final decision of weather or not she goes on a ventilator. Maybe not since my father and my aunt seem to have made up their minds on that already. But it's still a scary thought because I've never had to decide that about one of my own family members before, and hard because I'm not there and can't see exactly what's going on.

But my dad just called and said they didn't find anything, thankfully, so I am breathing a big sigh of relief. They are probably going to let her go home on monday or tuesday. I still worry that this may be her last Christmas beacause she is 92 and has started to talk about dying. I'm glad I am going home for Christmas, I wish I could go home for Thanksgiving as well, and I'm very glad I won't have to make an emergency trip to Denver.

Ok, so I realized this weekend that I am getting royally screwed in the holiday coverage department! Somehow the junior fellow managed to finagle out of working all the holiday's (Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Year's) while I'm working 2 of the 3 (Thanksgiving and New Year's). Which I wouldn't mind if everything was fair, but it's not. I was so focused on trying to get Christmas off this year I didn't pay attention to the rest. And I had to fight for Christmas because other senior fellow was going to try to take vacation during that time too. So I compromised with her, junior fellow talked her into covering Christmas day because it's not a religious holiday for her, but it is for us. Then he tried to get her to cover New Year's so he can leave with his family on vacation 2 days earlier. I told him I would just cover it by myself because it wasn't fair to ask other senior fellow to do so after the Christmas debocle. Little did I realize that put me working 2 holidays by myself and him none. I should make him work Thanksgiving, but I'm sure he already has plans with the family and blah, blah, blah..... I am really tired of getting screwed holiday-wise because I'm a team player, and I'm really sick of having to fight for all of my vacation time. It really sucks that I get made to feel guilty about taking time off.

I'm also back on WW. I've lost 5 pounds so far, but that's because I gained 1 pound this past week. My really bad binge day was Saturday, of course it did help to remind me how aweful I feel when I do that, and motivate me to stay with it. But I don't know what to do about all the work related meals. Today we had lunch catered in, and tonight I need to go hear a speaker talk at good steakhouse. I wouldn't go except I need to hobnob since I'm doing a rotation with him in May. But I really don't want to go and eat bad, which you can't avoid doing. I don't want everyone at work to know I'm on a diet because then whatever you eat is under a magnifying glass, so I don't know what to do about it. Plus I really don't want to go and give up another one of my evenings.

Do you ever have one of those days when you realize that everyone around you sucks? I am so tired of having to make all the decisions, and pick up everyone else's slack! I volonteered to do extra clinic today because I'm not on service and they have been super-busy. Then this morning, after journal club my boss asks about case conference today. The other fellow tries to cancel because a couple of people are missing, and when my boss tries to push for it, she looks at me to make the decision. I am not on service and seeing patients, therefore I don't have any cases to present. This is her responsibilty!! I didn't say anything. I swear she spends more time trying to get out of work then it would take to actually do it. It literally takes about 15 minutes to throw a case together. Plus, I'm already seeing the extra clinic patient, and we canceled another lecture this am because our third fellow isn't here, so she has an extra hour built into her day now.

I'm also really frustrated by my friends' lack of response to one of our own moving very far away. I am very sad about the whole thing, especially since it feels like everyone is leaving me lately. But no one else seems to care, except for Jen and Mel. I'm planning the going away from out of town, no one has even offered to help me. Actually a few people have refused to help me. I think more people are coming in from out of town to come to the party than there are people coming that live inside the same town as the event. It is just ridiculous!! And I am still feeling very emotionally fragile, to the point where I am completely scatter-brained, and can't make decisions I really need to make right now. But no one seems to care about that right now either. I'm sick of feeling taken-advantage of and under-appreciated! With very few exceptions, my friends all suck right now.

I am in a really strange mood today. I really just don't want to do anything at all. There are quite a few things that I should be doing, working on my paper being at the top of that list. But I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. If I got started, I would keep working with no problem, I just have a complete lack of motivation to do anything right now. I'm not sure what I actually want to be doing though, which is why I'm just sitting here, debating about how much time I need to wast before I go home. I really need to break out of this because I have another month to go on research and I really should have something to show for my time at the end of it.

I am looking forward to San Diego! I hoping maybe all I need is a good vacation. One where I can do some playing instead of just sitting inside a lecture hall all day. And I haven't been to San Diego since I was 13, so I'm looking forward to seeing the city again.

On a side note, the weather is absolutely gorgeous today. It's that golden week in Missouri where the weather is in a perfect balance between summer and fall. This is one of my favorite times of the year. I think I will just leave early afterall, I'm certainly not going to accomplish anything jsut sitting here.

Ok, so I haven't posted in a long while, but I have been busy. I'm now on research again so I may keep things up to date now that I have more free time. Anyway, being on research means I'm having to work at the STD clinic once a week again. I hate having to give up my Tuesday evenings, but it is a fascinating study in human nature. First, it always provides me with further proof that people always lie. But it never ceases to amaze me what people will tell you and what they won't. And I'm always surprised by some of the people who come through there. There are always a few who I wonder why they come to the downtown clinic instead of going to their regular doctor. I mean why subject yourself to the stigma, and somewhat humiliating experience if you don't have to? You have to come in, get a number, wait in line for who knows how long, and then tell you sordid sexual past (and yes there is always something sordid, why else would they be there) to a complete stranger, and then have parts of your body that usually don't see much sunlight examined by that same stranger. At least you sort of know your regular doctor. But, I've had more than one instance that they are being tested because they cheated on their spouse or significant other, and I get the feeling that the whole experience is part of their punishment.

The other thing that amazes me is that people honestly believe we can't tell that they are lying. I'm pretty sure that when I graduated med school I did not have a tattoo that says "stupid" placed on my forehead, but I still get treated as such. Really, I know you are here for a reason, I've already heard pretty much everything before, so there is no reason to lie to me. Things actually are much easier when you tell the truth, people tend to get their questions answered more readily when I actually know what the question is. I did not acquire the ability to read minds in med school. But that is one thing I like about medicine, human behavior is fascinating because you never know what people are going to do.

There's not much else new going on. I'm going to Chicago next week for a convention, so that will be fun.

Well right now I'm trying to get caught up on a few things. I actually have some down time at work, wonder of wonders. We have been so busy lately it's been hard to keep up. But right now I'm in a holding pattern because all my patients seem to be off the floor. I'm hoping we don't get out too late tonight because I have a few errands to run, that I can't do when I get home after 6:00 at night. Oh well. I just have 5 more days until we switch attendsing, and things will get better after that. I might even have time to finish my book for book club. But tonight I'm going to bed early!

Okay, so I have finally been dragged onto live Journal kicking and screaming by a certain someone who decided to start a bookclub. Actually the bookclub is a really good idea, and I'm excited about it, and since we are all so far apart this is probably the best format. I'm not sure how often I will actually post on this, but hey it may give me another outlet to vent all my frustrations, particularly with my job. It's really sad when you begin to dread Fridays because you know they are going to be super-crazed-busy, and you aren't going to get out until late. At least I'm not on call this weekend. I have a bad feeling it's going to be a busy one!